Lessons for Ministry from What Happened to You?

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The title of Oprah Winfrey’s and Dr. Bruce Perry’s book, What Happened to You?, represents the paradigm shift their book aims to create in the world. 

In this book, Oprah, herself a trauma survivor, and Dr. Perry, a trauma researcher, converse about the research on trauma’s effects and how to be trauma-informed. 

Their goal: To shift people from asking what’s wrong with those who display maladaptive behavior, such as impulsivity, lashing out, and addiction, to instead asking what happened to cause this behavior so we can act compassionately and help people find healing. 

This book is excellent for ministry professionals working to become trauma-informed. Below are a few insights from this great resource. You can visit this page to pick up your copy.

Ideally, children receive attentive and responsive caregiving early, such as parents feeding and changing them when needed. This consistent, responsive caregiving helps children regulate their emotions because babies cannot regulate them independently. This ideal caregiving allows children to develop the ability to manage their own emotions later in life and also to be able to trust others. 

This caregiving especially creates foundational memories of being loved and accepted. These memories are then called to mind later in life when we receive warmth and acceptance from others, making us desire to remain connected. In short, the parenting we receive helps us to live out our God-given desire to live in community. 

Things can go awry when children face abuse and neglect from their caregivers. Instead of their brains being organized around a belief that others love and accept them, they become organized around the idea that the world isn’t safe and people are not trustworthy, and they may struggle to receive love because their brains say that the love is not real. 

This idea is essential to remember when working with others who may struggle to open up, trust, and connect with others. Their brains may be trying to keep them safe by pulling them back. Patience and perseverance are key in these situations, not pushing people to open up more than they are comfortable. 

When we receive information from our five senses, it enters a lower part of our brain that is not very rational. Our brain then matches this information with previous experiences to see if we are in danger. 

For those who have experienced trauma, some of these previous experiences may include their traumatic experiences. Because this part of the brain doesn’t have rational capabilities, it can’t tell time and realize that we are not experiencing trauma again. 

Typically, information goes to higher parts of the brain that process it rationally. But, when trauma memories are activated, the information stays in the lower part of the brain, activating our brain’s response to flee the situation, fight, freeze, or dissociate, daydream, and not be present. 

This finding illustrates the importance of trauma-informed environments, where we strive to avoid activating trauma memories. You can learn more about these practices here.

Trauma can lead to addictive, self-sabotaging behaviors in two ways. First, those who face trauma, especially from loved ones, may ache for love and acceptance. Then, they may try to grasp it through sexual behavior, violence, and other self-sabotaging behaviors. 

Additionally, our brains are wired to find relief from distressing emotions, and we are rewarded with pleasure when we do things to find relief. We are especially wired to find this relief in relationships.

However, sometimes, people who are especially distressed due to traumatic experiences may find this relief in other maladaptive ways, such as substance use and other addictive behaviors. These behaviors can push others away, making it difficult to find relief from distress in the healthy way of relationships, causing them to go back to the addictive behavior for relief. 

This finding is especially important to keep in mind when walking with people who may be struggling with pornography use, sexual behavior, substance use, and more. To help people you work in these situations heal their sins at their roots, you may need to refer them to healing resources so they can be healed of these behaviors. You can learn more here.

Finally, because trauma can hijack the brain and stress response, those working with people should know how to help people regulate their emotions if trauma memories are activated. This can help people calm down so they can return to a calm state. 

There are several ways to co-regulate with people: 

• First, do not force people to talk if they do not want to. If they want to talk, use reflective listening, which involves repeating what people say, such as “I see you’re feeling ___ because of ____.” It’s essential in all of this to remain calm. 
• Another helpful thing to do is rhythmic activities, such as walking, sports, music, and coloring. These activities naturally calm down the nervous system. 

Overall, this book explains how trauma can lead to many difficulties that those we work with may struggle with, such as addiction, relationships, and emotion regulation. It also explains how to walk with them. I highly recommend picking up a copy so you can learn more.